Saturday, June 6, 2009

39 YEARS!`

Who would have thought that I would be able to say that I have been married 39 years! And where did that time go? While I am only 56 years old I am still on the downhill slope so it is important to me to make the next however many years worth something.

Looking back...would I do it all over again? Just to have my kids and grandsons I can say yes without reservation..but without those factors??? Wow that is a hard one to say if I am going to be totally honest...

I know that I love Jimmy but I hate alot of the crap we have gone through..there have been times when I have gone outside with the intent to look to the heavens and to scream at God because I prayed with my pastor before I ever accepted my engagement ring because I wanted to know for sure that at my young age I was doing what He wanted me to. And to this day I truly believe that I did..However, that doesn't mean that from time to time I didn't question it!

Jim and I are both Leos..smack in the middle of the sign, Aug 4 and Aug 11. Now I don't agree with alot of astrology because the Bible teaches against it but I do believe in the characteristics of the signs. So here we have two very head strong individuals trying to survive together. WOW..

In fairness to Jim..he has never drank, smoked, done drugs, chased women, gambled...has ALWAYS worked hard...two weeks after major melanoma surgery he was back to work! He loves his kids to a fault, is good to ANYONE in need and always sees to it that we have what we need and more.

On the downside...he has a horrendous temper and is a control freak! Now having said that I should clarify and say that those characteristics were severely tested when we were married 31 1/2 years and I left him and took the girls with me..Luke was on his own then..We were separated for 16 months. It was an awful time but it taught him some self control and it taught me that I had an inner strength and stamina that I didn't know I had.

Now I am no saint! While I was handling the money our house went to foreclosure twice and our car was repossessed twice. I was robbing Peter to pay Paul and not telling Jim the conditions of everything because I didn't want to deal with his anger. Eventually I had to deal with it anyway so THAT idea didn't work! Together we redeemed the house and the cars not losing them to anyone. Today HE handles the money....yea! And we are doing fine..not rich by any stretch but we do have a small cushion in case of emergency.

The good parts of our marriage are obviously our kids...GOD I love those kids! We have been so blessed that for having such a stormy least the first 22 years of it, our kids have turned out fabulous! God knew what he was doing by not letting us have any kids for the first 11 years of our marriage, that's for sure.

As I pondered where we are at this point all kinds of questions came to mind...Why didn't we divorce? What would my life have been like if we did? Did we harm our kids in any way? You know..I will never know the answers to those questions. I didn't divorce because the Bible said not to..because in spite of how I was treated I KNEW that in his own way Jimmy loved me and still does. I didn't want to put my kids through custody battles, visitation battles, child support battles..I didn't want them to see only the negative aspects of their dad because there are so many good things about Jim. I didn't want to struggle to take care of them on my own and have them do without or have to be at a school function alone because I would have had to work to keep things going.

I hope the kids will have learned from our mistakes and will fight hard to not make them either.

Last night we went to dinner at TGIFriday's. It was delicious and we had a good time. We were supposed to have gone to Vegas..a place that Jim has wanted to go to for some time, but we let Annie go on vacation with her friend. She would be in Alabama and we would have been clear across the USA so he opted to take a trip at a later date.. He could have told her NO..probably should have told her NO..BUT he has a problem saying NO to his kids...He really is a fantastic Dad...

So I guess as I reflect back and look forward I don't think I am or would change anything..The grass is NEVER greener on the other side..that's a whole different set of problems and issues and who has the energy to start over??? If I am truly honest..I DO love the man and father that Jimmy is..I would love for him to be a romantic husband but hey..there is more good than bad and I'm just about getting to old for romance myself. Plus at $15 a pill it's getting to costly too! LOL!! But THAT is another story!!! LOLOLOL!!

Bless his heart, he has had to deal with me too and I am anything but an angel..It's kinda nice to say you have been married that long in a world that takes marriage so lightly. 40th high school reunion is next year and we have always been the second longest married couple from the class and I want to hold on to that!!

So with hind sight being 20/20 there are many things I would have done different and would have loved to not have happened but even on my darkest days I am secure because Jimmy is my husband and I know that he will get us through whatever comes our way. I just hope he never writes anything about me .....

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